zc

Interview With Anton Strout
An Urban Fantasy

Deader Still

It was around midnight when author Anton Strout left the Penguin Group offices. Hustle and bustle, bustle and hustle, had filled his day, and now he was heading to the Cafe Borgia on Bleecker Street to coax a little more bustle from his tired brain, hoping to finish book three of his four book contract for Simon Canderous, the Department of Extraordinary Affairs’ lone psychometrist, and his series of urban fantasy adventures.

With thoughts of Earl Grey, Oolong, and perhaps even–would he be so adventurous?–green tea buzzing around his gray cells as he briskly walked through the streets of Greenwich Village, he did not notice one of his shoelaces had come undone; that is, until he tripped head first onto the pavement. As he regained his composure and tied the lace with a tight double-knot, he noticed the edge of a bright gold disc sticking out from under his heel. He moved his foot, picked up the disc, and adjusted his glasses and his position to the street light to get a better view. Well I’ll be…it’s a gold coin, he thought, moving his lips as if he were about to whistle.

“Ow! Yer got me fer sure, that’s the truth.”

Anton Strout looked around, then down. A two-foot tall fellow looked up at him. He wore a bright green jogging suit, large Nike Air Zoom Dunkesto Blue sneakers–he had unusually large feet for such a small fellow–and a bright yellow cap covered his blazing red hair. Anton Strout re-adjusted his glasses, blinked his eyes a few times, and moved his lips in a soundless whistle again.

“If’n it’s not Madoff makin’ off with all me savin’s, and this blasted recession puttin’ the touch onta me investments, now I’ve gone an’ spilled a coin of me precious realm and you’s there at the wrongest of moments. Well, I spose you’ll be wantin’ me treasure, then? C’mon man, close yer mouth and exercise yer wits, I hain’t got all night.” The small fellow tapped his big right foot with impatience.

A cell phone started ringing. They looked at each other.

“Well, t’isn’t mine. I got Flogging Molly’s Black Friday Rule on mine, yer know.”

“Oh, sorry.” Anton Strout answered his cell phone. “Yes, this is he. Who? ILoz Zuc? What’s that? Oh, you mean you’re ILoz Zoc, Zombos’s butler. What’s that? Sorry, valet then. From where? Oh, I see, you want to do an interview? Sure, how about I call…what? You want to do the interview now? Well, I’m in the middle of…? Okay, look, give me a minute and I’ll call you right back, ok? Okay, fine.”

The small fellow stopped tapping his right foot and started tapping his big left foot. Faster.

“Now what’s this about your treasure? Are we talking hundreds, thousands?” asked Anton Strout, putting his cell phone away. Thoughts of cool ocean breezes, frothy banana daiquiris, and sleep-filled nights joined to leisurely-paced days replaced those of teas and slushy piles.

“Now t’would a self-respectin’ gentleman like me self, who’s been round these parts fer many a summer, be frettin’ o’er a measlin’ thousands? Me fine young man, t’is the overflowin’ pot o’gold you’ve tripped into, and wealth beyond yer beyondist dreams. Enough to keep yer in honey and clover, ten times ten times ten times over. And just me luck, too. I knew I should’a not been so stingy and taken a cab. Oh, well. But time’s a wastin’ and I got–”

Anton Strout’s cell phone rang again. “Sorry.” He answered it. “Hello? Oh, listen Ilzoc–sorry, Zoc then. I’m kind of busy right now and, what’s that? You’ve sent the questions by text message? Alright. Alright, I’ll take a look and get back to you.” As he flipped the cell phone open to view the message, the gold coin slipped out of his hand. Before it could drop to the pavement, the little fellow snatched it away with a smile bigger than his feet. Like the Chesire Cat, that smile lingered a long moment after the rest of him vanished in a puff of smoke.

“Oh, dear,” said Anton Strout to no one in particular.

His cell phone started ringing again. He looked down at the pavement one last time before continuing his walk to Cafe Borgia. When he got there, he ordered Earl Grey tea and poured lots of honey into it. It still tasted bitter. He answered the interview questions, worked some more on his third novel, and always kept his eyes glued to the pavement when he walked the long way home every night from then on.

 

How did a nice writer like you get caught up in urban fantasy? Why not write some nasty horror, or high-brow sci-fi epic?

I never set out with a goal in mind or even a genre-oriented thought. I just had an idea about a guy who had this power of psychometry, but he wasn’t the best at controlling it. It’s not the first thing I wrote, but it’s probably my favorite and I was lucky when I finished because I looked at it and said, “Oh, huh! There’s a genre called urban fantasy that this falls into… neat!” That, and I really missed Buffy, so I wanted to do some horror with humor.

What was Anton Strout like as a kid?

I was devilishly handsome and the star quarterback of the football team who made the winning touchdown at the state championship. Or not. I was an only child who loved watching those Americanized bad imports of Star Blazers and Battle of the Planets. I built Lego starships with the two other nerd kids in my hometown. Around ten my friend introduced me to my now lifelong love affair with Dungeons and Dragons. We were the kind of kids who would put on motorcycle helmets to beat on each other with fake swords we made behind the teacher’s back in woodshop. We’d get together with friends and shoot Roman Candles at each other’s cardboard armor, casting “Magic Missile.” Good times… it’s amazing I don’t have more scar tissue. Warning: Kids, don’t try this at home! Everyone else, don’t do it either… apparently–and this is a little known fact–cardboard is VERY flammable!

Writing is a tough job. How do you keep up your motivation and your energy?

I have these things called deadlines and they pay me money for turning my books in. Those are pretty good motivators… that and the fact that since my day job is in publishing, my editor happens to be just down the hall and will come kill me if I don’t deliver. Also, it’s a tough job, but it’s a job I love to do. It would be like paying me to play D&D for a living. And there’s also the reward of sharing my stories and having discussions with people about them… it’s a very driving force.

That said, there are days I just tell myself to sit the hell down and write cuz ya gotta. But more often than not, I’m happy to be doing it and feel lucky that I get to share the stories in my brain meat with others.

As an editor, can you give us some insight into the pitfalls a newbie should watch out for when writing that great first novel? And also some advice from your author’s side?

I’m only an editor when I’m working on my own books to turn them in in a writer’s capacity. My day job is in paperback sales.. but here’s some advice to the newbie.

Your brain hates you. It will go to great lengths to try and stop you from writing with many a distraction. Tough. Sit your ass down and write. It doesn’t have to be perfect, or even close to perfect, as long as it gets down on the page. It’s a lot easier to edit and rewrite 300 pages of something than it is 0 pages of nothing. It’s okay to suck when you’re writing your book. It’s called a FIRST draft for a reason, implying many other drafts to follow. So go get your suck on!

Where do you see the book publishing field in ten years, given the Internet, ebooks, and the print on demand aspects of our modern age?

I think paper books will always be around. I think there’s something about the tactile sensation of holding a book in your hands that just won’t go away. We see magazines going only digital because of production and distribution costs, but I think books are safe for now. My day job is in the sales department at Penguin Group, and I see the industry as a whole looking at ways to expand into the digital markets. It’s a slow build because it’s uncharted water for a lot of them, but I think certain formats will hold. Kindle, Sony Reader, iPhone apps… also, with the current economy, the mass market price point is looking really good to people right now who had declared its death knell in the face of abundant trade paperbacks.

Who are your favorite authors and how have they influenced your writing?

I think my humorous writing style is a blend of my love of Douglas Adams, Robert Asprin, and Joss Whedon. I’m also a huge Lovecraft and Stephen King fan, which I think explains the darker side of what I write in urban fantasy. I think if I saw any of the horrors in those books in real life, I’d have to quip and make fun of them to keep my own sanity, which is what a lot of my characters do to keep from the darkness.

Tell us about your blog.

There’s two, really. One is my Livejournal, under the cryptic moniker antonstrout, which people often wonder why Anton’s Trout has a blog. I assure you, he does not. That’s my dumping ground for all things personal and professional, with a bit of helpful writer advice thrown in ever so sparingly now and again. The other blog is The League of Reluctant Adults, a group blog with about 17 other genre writers. There’s drinking, swearing, poop jokes… that’s where more of the authorial shenanigans come out. I encourage everyone to stop by.

What’s the one question you would love to be asked, and what’s your answer?

Can we pay you enough so you can stop doing two jobs and just write for a living? My answer is: Where do I sign?

 

Graphic Book Review: Lansdale’s Pigeons From Hell

Blassenville ManorThe figure had moved into the bar of moonlight now, and Griswell recognized it. Then he saw Branner's face, and a shriek burst from Griswell's lips. Branner's face was bloodless, corpse-like; gouts of blood dripped darkly down it; his eyes were glassy and set, and blood oozed from the great gash which cleft the crown of his head! — Robert E. Howard, Pigeons From Hell

Zombos Says: Very Good

Robert E. Howard's 1938 southern gothic short story, Pigeons From Hell, has seen television and comic book adaptations. For television, Boris Karloff's Thriller delivered a straightforward and chilling episode, minus most of the racial underpinning and family curse-inducing miscegenation, written by John Kneubuhl and directed by John Newland (who directed Alcoa Presents: One Step Beyond). In the graphic novel format, Scott Hampton illustrated Howard's classic horror story in 1988 for Eclipse Comics, creating an atmospheric narrative of the evil stalking the Blassenvilles in conservatively painted imagery.

Author Joe R. Lansdale adds his touch to the original story in a four-issue series from Dark Horse Comics, now released in trade paperback. Keeping the core elements of voodoo and spellcraft surrounding the decaying antebellum mansion while updating the characters for a younger audience, and dropping Howard's zuvembie hoodoo in favor of the more nebulous shadow in the corn, Lansdale adapts the storyline without losing too much of the lingering dread, inherent injustice, and fearful moral decay permeating Howard's tale; but in moving the story from its overtly prejudicial time period and place, then switching the cultural and racial orientation of important characters–particularly the sheriff–and dropping zuvembie from the story's explanation, Lansdale lessens the effect of Howard's uncanny and evocative horror in favor of plot elements more familiar to today's stalker-with-a-machete-minded audience.

Coraline (2009)
Sweet Without Sugar

Coraline Zombos Says: Excellent 

The cat dropped the rat between its two front paws. “There are those,” it said with a sigh, in tones as smooth as oiled silk, “who have suggested that the tendency of a cat to play with its prey is a merciful one–after all, it permits the occasional funny little running snack to escape, from time to time. How often does your dinner get to escape?” (Neil Gaiman in the novel Coraline)

Right after seeing Coraline, an urge to read the novel drove me straight to the bookstore. I needed to know more of Neil Gaiman’s tale of Coraline Jones and the bizarre neighbors and ancient wickedness living in her new home. I needed to know how much of the literary story was captured in Henry Selick’s stop-motion animated screenplay. With a dad-playing piano, glowing flowers and snapdragons that really snapped, and a peculiar room where giant bugs are the furniture, I was curious. Gaiman might be that odd individual with sleeping dust in his side-pockets, a razor-sharp, barely chipped axe in his hip pocket, and a candle flame floating to and fro behind his eyes, but the visual tone of Coraline, the movie, is dark but strikingly peppered with color, making it festive and morose and desolate and cheerful all at once. There is no brave little mouse, no fumbling robots, no dancing zoo animals to liven up culturally proscribed moral lessons because there are no moral lessons. Coraline, without the usual spoonful of sugary-animated, paternally medicinal Hollywood characters, is a Halloween treat in February that goes down smashingly well without the sweetness.

Who You Gonna Call?
Mattel’s New Ghostbusters!

Ghostbusters_mattel

I snapped this picture of  Mattel’s new 12-inch Ghostbusters line at the New York Comic Con 2009. With fabric clothes, great detailing, and ghost-detection and entrapment accessories that put Grant and Jason of Ghostbusters to shame, these figures are simply awesome.

Mattel’s “Ghostbusters” collectible line debuts with 12-inch figures in June 2009, and will be available exclusively at Mattycollector.com.

Each figure will feature window box packaging and include authentic Ghostbuster equipment unique to each character. For the first time, Mattel’s line will include talent likeness of Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz,
Peter Venkman and Winston Zeddemore.

 

The Uninvited (2009)

The Uninvited (2009) Zombos Says: Excellent

The mind is a poor host at times, bringing in uninvited nightmares when least expected and most unwanted. In this American remake of A Tale of Two Sisters, those uninvited, bake-eiga-styled nightmares haunt Anna’s dreams and waking moments, whether in her darkened bedroom or in the sunlight-bright hallways of her nooks and crannies shorefront home. And while that may be disconcerting for Anna (Emily Browning), it certainly is a good thing for us. Directors Thomas and Charles Guard’s The Uninvited is deftly handled with splendid and unexpected–for a horror movie– photography, real acting, and suspenseful pacing that places it well above the usual horror affair of blood spatters, screams, and more bloody spatters. This is classy horror at its best.

Mystery surrounds Anna’s release from a psychiatric hospital. Ten months earlier her invalid mother died in a fiery explosion and Anna has no memory of that night, but she does have a recurring dream in which the spectre of a red-haired girl, very fresh-from-the-grave looking, tells her “not to go out.” Her therapist, not entirely sure of what it all means, still considers Anna well enough to leave the hospital. While you already have an inkling this may not be the best therapeutic course of action for her, it does set up the frights when she returns home. (Hint: pay close attention to Anna’s friend in the hospital who complains she will have no one to tell her stories to when Anna leaves.)

The Mummy (1932)
It Comes to Life! Part 3

Boris Karloff in The MummyConsidering how early it came in the horror cycle, it is surprising how restrained and unsensational The Mummy is. On the other hand it is that very restraint that helps to make it a classic. If one accepts The Bride of Frankenstein for its theatre and The Body Snatcher for its literacy, then one must regard The Mummy as the closest that Hollywood ever came to creating a poem out of horror. — William K. Everson, Classics of the Horror Film

 

When Helen arrives at the closed museum, both Frank and his father, Sir Joseph, are about to drive off. They watch her as she tries to open the front door, and Frank is soon within arm’s reach when she swoons. He sweeps her up in his arms and they take her to their apartment, where Dr. Muller arrives moments later. As Sir Joseph and Dr. Muller discuss the matter, Ardath Bey, still at the museum intoning his spell, is interrupted by a guard and extinguishes the small oil lamp he used to read the scroll. A circle of light from the guard’s flashlight searches the room and finds Bey crouching in a corner. The guard turns on the lights and starts yelling at Bey, who, with complete calm, walks away. Chasing after him, both the guard and Bey go off screen. The guard’s voice drops to a stifled gurgle as he’s murdered, although no sign of harm can be found on his body later. In the tussle, Bey drops the scroll. Leaving Helen and Frank at the apartment, Sir Joseph and Dr. Muller go to the museum after they receive a phone call alerting them to the murder, and discover that the scroll, lost then years ago, is now in their hands. They return to the apartment with it, and, along with Frank, retreat to Sir Joseph’s study to discuss what it all means.

Once Again, The Apocalypse (but now due 2012)

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse Nice to see the apocalypse has been rescheduled. Like one of those near endless Friday the 13th sequels, you just can’t keep a good hoax down. But now the date is 2012, so I hope you can wait. I know the suspense is simply killing me.

Fueled by a crop of books, Web sites with countdown clocks, and claims about ancient timekeepers, interest is growing in what some see as the dawn of a new era, and others as an expiration date for Earth: December 21, 2012.

Read all about it before it’s too late: Apocalypse in 2012? Date Spawns Theories, Films…

An Interesting Email

Confusion At around two this morning I read a most entertaining and interesting email. Detesting my lack of understanding, as shown in my review for The Sick House, the writer went on to identify me as an expletive, expletive, expletive fag.

First, I am actually quite happy that someone was so emotionally involved with one of my reviews that he took the time to convey his feelings to me, graphic though they may be. Second, I admit I’m a bit confused by the use of the word fag. Did the writer mean I’m an expletive, expletive, expletive bundle of wood or cigarette (I’m British in spirit, but don’t smoke), or small breaded piece of fish or meat (doesn’t describe me at all)? Or perhaps he meant it as a disparaging term for supposed homosexual tendencies (I’m heterosexual in practice, although I’ve suspected I’m bisexual in spirit–at least in my fantasies).

So, while I’m ecstatic to have fan email, this one has left me elated but disappointed that I don’t quite get the writer’s intended message.

As for my review of The Sick House, to paraphrase the words of Roger Ebert–when he summed up his expert opinion on Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo–the movie sucks.

At least that I’m certain of.

Monster House in 3D (2006)

Zombos Says: Fair

Monster House is a disappointment.

It seems like a natural Halloween treat; take the decrepit old “haunted” house every small town has, toss in the decrepit, loony old hermit–that every small town has–to live in the house, then play on all our childhood fears by making the house a monster that eats people, gobbles them up when they step on the lawn or get too close. But this almost goody-bag treat quickly turns into an out-of-candy trick itching for a few eggs tossed its way. The animation lacks whimsy, charm, and style in its characters as directed by Gil Kenan. From the too-realistic, nasty Goth baby-sitter with the dull-witted, drugged-out boyfriend, Bones, to the fat kid sidekick, Chowder, the tone of the story is humorless and the dialog lacks wit. Instead of naive, carefree chat between friends, we listen to recycled potty jokes, the highlight of which is pee in soda pop bottles. The writers apparently forgot their own childhoods when bringing Chowder, DJ and Jenny to life.

I-CON 2006 and Me

Ghoul a Go Go

"It looks like you are suffering from being back-blogged," said Dr. Dippel. His slightly hunched-back assistant nodded in agreement.

I shook my head in disbelief. "It can't be. I must have a bad head cold, nothing more."

"Tsk, tsk," said Dr. Dippel. "You do nothing else but stay up all night reading questionable literature and writing that silly blog of yours. As if anyone reads it." I could have sworn his assistant snickered.

I looked at them. They whispered to each other, then smiled at me. I hate when doctors and assistants do that. "You must remain in bed all day, and especially, no blogging for a week," he said. His assistant nodded in agreement. I could have sworn he wagged his finger at me, too.

"But doctor," I protested, "I am so behind in my blogging I cannot quit, not even for a moment. And then there's I-CON! I must go, I must keep searching for all that is horrorful and wonderful to blog about."

"Tsk, tsk." They threw up their hands, scolded me, then started to leave my bedroom. Dr. Dippel turned and said "If blog you must, then I suggest you take some NyQuil and dress warmly."

"And write shorter blogs!" said his assistant. There, he did it again, he wagged his finger at me.

I was left in silence. How could I stop blogging when so much still needed to be said? If only I could find more hours in the day and night. There is so much to do. How will I ever catch up? And write shorter blogs!? Such effrontery to literary etiquette must not be allowed to happen, even if the average attention span of a blog reader is measured in milliseconds and page blips. How will I ever make do? Such are the eternal questions we face when blogging. I put them aside for the moment and got out of bed, dressed, and headed to I-CON 25 at Stony Brook University. I would not let little things like a painfully throbbing headache, stuffy nose, and mucous-filled membranes stop me. No way, no how.

Interview With Brian Corder
Carnies

Carnies_fire_eating
Director Brian Corder was kind enough to chat about his  film Carnies, which follows the denizens of the Knuckles Brothers Show and their travails as a sinister force stalks the midway, leaving a bloody trail of “crumpled, torn, soulless bodies in its wake.” With a talented cast that includes Reggie Bannister, Doug Jones, and Denise Gossett in a setting that automatically screams ‘creepy’.

Carnies is set in the 1930s. What challenges have you experienced in directing the action and characters for a film set in this time period?

Thanks to my wonderfully talented cast, I don’t recall a problem with direction when it came to it being a period piece. There is certain Carny terminology, like the words Rangy and Grouch Bag that had to be worked out in prior to the shooting, but it really wasn’t any problem.

ZC Note: A grouch bag (circa 1908) was a hidden purse used by a performer to carry money, and was usually strung around the performer’s neck. It is reputed that Julius ‘Groucho’ Marx got his nickname from using one to carry his poker money. BC Note: Rangy or wrangy (rhymes with “tangy”) — Worked up, usually in a vulgar sense (possibly a variant of ‘randy’). A show could be rangy ( a really ‘strong’ kootch show), or the patrons might be in a rangy mood (a very hot Saturdaynight, or being able to afford too much beer ’cause it’s payday) or a patron may be rangy or ranged up (drunken, disorderly, disruptive, spoiling for a fight). “He’s wrangin’ the joint” would mean the customer is giving the jointee a very hard time. May also apply to an aggressive animal. From what I understand, the word ‘rangy’ is derived from the word ‘orangutang’.

William2_carnies
Ron Leming and John B. Nash developed the script for Carnies from your story. Why do a horror story set in a carnival in the 1930s, and what makes this setting and time period especially suited for the horror genre?

I’ve always thought that traveling freakshows were a bit creepy.  With various oddities and colorful characters. Of course, there’s nothing more terrifying to me than a savage killer in a top hat!

Which director or directors most influenced you and why?

Stanley Kubrick for his suspenseful scenes in his classic film, The Shining. Tod Browning for films like Freaks , London After Midnight, and The Unknown starring Lon Chaney. Of course, there’s directors like Hitchcock, Kurasawa, Coppola, Carpenter, Craven, I could go on and on.

Which film is your all-time favorite?

That’s a very difficult question; there are so many fantastic films out there. If I had to, one single all-time favorite, I’d have to say Apocalypse Now.

What projects will you be working on after Carnies that we can look forward to?

We’re actually working on another horror/thriller period film (can’t tell you which period yet). The script is currently being written and it’s going to be terrific!

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Zombos Says: Very Good

Cinema in three dimensions does for the slasher movie what black and white does for film noir; it provides the best atmosphere and in your face vantage point to see all the gore,  join  in the  screaming mayhem, and easily count the number of mangled bodies piling up.

Three 3D-enhanced images stay with me after watching My Bloody Valentine 3D: the sickening way one victim’s shovel-sliced head, bisected at the mouth, slowly slides down the sharp blade toward the audience;  the stark beam of the headlight darting about in the gloom of the movie theater as the gas masked, pickaxe-wielding, miner stalks his next victim; and the vivid Utz Potato Chip bags displayed prominently on an endcap behind Sarah and Megan as they run their hearts out–to keep them beating in their chests–down a grocery aisle. I could, of course, mention other images that come to mind, like gaping chest cavities, a blood-dripping, lifeless hand so close you can almost touch it, and one eye-popping surprise–courtesy of, once again, that über-utilitarian, death-dealing pickaxe, but it is a slasher film after all. So much carnage from such a simple tool is quite surprising; of course, clothes dryers can also be useful as vividly shown in this movie.

My Bloody Valentine 3D does not stop at the dozen or so pickaxe techniques for artfully–if messily–dispatching the careless townsfolk of Harmony, the place where ten years earlier Harry Warden went on a killing spree, in the Hanniger Mining Company’s Tunnel No. 5, that puts a Cuisinart’s slicing and dicing ability to shame. It heaps on the pounding, relentless music suitable for an unstoppable killer on the loose, who pickaxes hearts out of chests and stuffs them in heart-shaped candy boxes, with love, every Valentine’s Day, and unabashedly oggles drop dead gorgeous, screaming in terror, women running naked in stiletto heels. For a remake of a minor Canadian slasher movie from 1981, director Patrick Lussier and writers do their best to bring back the unbridled yet simple construct of the slasher genre: violent graphic death, people running for their lives,  more violent graphic death. They outdid themselves here.

My Bloody Valentine 3D With actors like Jensen Ackles (Supernatural) and veteran Tom Atkins, as well as a talented cast taking it all very seriously, the story is brutally lean and mean. Bridging the 1981 film’s comparatively tamer carnage with its more flagrantly bloodier remake, an early scene,  where body parts are liberally distributed in a hospital after Harry Warden wakes up from his coma in a bad mood, transitions neatly into the present, which in this case is ten years later. It is interesting how horror movies often rely on anniversaries and ten years later-styled storylines to pick up the tragic action, isn’t it?

Tom Hanniger (Ackles) returns to town after a long absence, to sell the mine where he caused the tragic accident that started Warden on his killing-spree. With his return, the killing begins again, and the victims include those who survived Warden’s butchery ten years before.  In due time, secrets are revealed, and Tom and Sheriff Palmer (Kerr Smith) argue over Palmer’s wife Sarah (Jaime King), who is showing rekindled ardor for Tom, her former boyfriend. As suspicion grows with the blood flow, Tom, Sarah, and Sheriff Axel return to the mine where it all began. They are not alone.

Jensen AcklesMy Bloody Valentine 3D has the distinction of being the first horror movie to utilize the technique to its fullest; namely by highlighting gore and making sure to stick the audience’s face into it, or toss it into the audience’s lap as often as possible. Given the highly effective visual intimacy that cinema 3D naturally lends to the horror genre, can 4D be far behind?

And for those parents who brought their young children to watch a movie like this, I ask simply “What the hell were you thinking?” If anyone deserves a pickaxe through their dumb skulls, you certainly do.