The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

“Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?” (Edward Cullen)

Zombos Says: Good (but you better be a romantic at heart)

“Well, if you must you must, but be prepared for the worst,” said Zombos, shaking his head in dismay.

“Look, I’m a reviewer, that’s what I do. This is just another movie to critique.” I folded my arms with certainty. But I didn’t feel certain.

“Another movie? Really? Die hard horror fans will have your hide piecemeal. Perhaps it would be better if you mentioned Zimba forced you to see it. Even better, put her name to this so-called review to play safe.” Zombos reached for his cordial and smugly sipped it.

“Zimba didn’t force me to see it, nor am I a mouse. Would Roger Ebert wince at reviewing this movie? Well, maybe while watching it, but I know he’d never falter at reviewing it. He isn’t a mouse either.” I reached for my cordial, forgetting I didn’t have one. I shook off the faux pas and regained my composure. But I wished I had had a cordial to smugly sip from.

Dash it all, I wish I were as certain about writing this review as Bella (Kristen Stewart) is in her love for Edward (Robert Pattinson). Wait a minute, she isn’t all that certain, now that I think of it. She’s gone and fallen in love with Jacob (Taylor Lautner), too. Oh bother, why can’t she make up her mind? She says she’s more in love with Edward. He’s certainly in love with her. Much of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is devoted to Edward and Bella’s concern over their upcoming nuptials and her turning into a vampire. With Jacob it would be simpler; no bloodletting necessary, just an occasional rinse and shampoo and combing to get the knots out: werewolf hair can get very knotty, especially when you’re as big as Jacob gets when he changes into one. I wish the CGI were better, though, to highlight his wonderful coat of bristling hair. They could certainly spend the money they save on his wardrobe–he rarely wears a shirt in this movie–and the special effects are light on gore and blood–blood for God’s sakes–in a vampire movie you’d expect more of that.

“You’re meandering,” said Zombos, reading over my shoulder. I really hate when he does that. I refocused.

Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard this time around), still carrying a grudge, begins raising an army of newborns–stronger and feistier fresh vampires–with the help of Riley (Xavier Samuel) to kill Bella. Now into three movies and it’s still all about Bella; her needs, her desires–

Zombos cleared his throat. I refocused. Again.

The Cullens (vampires) and the Quileute clan (werewolves) form a shaky alliance to battle the newborns and thwart Victoria’s plans. Members of the Volturi, led by Jane (Dakota Fanning), watch and wait, apparently up to something but I’m not sure what that might be. Jane can throttle you with her mind so she’s a formidable annoyance to avoid offending. Now, getting back to “feistier,” Bella wants to do more than just kiss Edward, but he’s all for abstinence before marriage. Sexuality, a recurring theme in all vampire movies and novels is nonrecurring here. There is passion, but it’s tepid in comparison to the boiling friskiness shown by Bela Lugosi’s or Christopher Lee’s or Frank Langella’s Dracula. I’m not sure about Jack Palance’s Dracula, but I’ll mention him also just in case.

Preparation for the impending battle with the newborns is guided by Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), who has faced a similar situation before. He knows how terribly destructive they can be. He tells Bella all about his past sins, and in doing so, Rathbone becomes one of the more interesting characters in this romance-heavy, horror-lite movie. The resulting battle between newborns, seasoned vampires, and werewolves is also bloodless, with vampires being broken apart, like statuary, onscreen, or mauled out of sight.

Most horror fans will balk (quite vociferously, too) at the bloodless and sun-walking vampires, and the large, but comely, werewolves in The Twilight Saga, but let’s face it, horror is not at the heart of this series: it’s the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob. Where many horror movies devote a multitude of endlessly spraying, bloodletting moments to butchering far friskier (and dumber) teenagers, The Twilight Saga devotes its time to Bella, mostly, and what she’s going to do about Edward and Jacob. More time is spent with Edward and Jacob discussing what they think Bella should be doing with them. And the remaining time is spent with somebody, somewhere, trying to kill her, which gets everybody involved in keeping her safe. Which is lucky for us; if no one wanted to kill her, this would be a very boring series indeed.

It’s a wonder they haven’t just turned her into a vampire already so she could protect herself for a change. Maybe we’ll see that in the next movie. It would be cool if she’d become a vamp-wolf or something like that, but that would sideline the romance a bit much. But it would be cool to see.